I am not in a sorority.
I am not on the Dean’s List.
I have not hooked up in Tribble.
This is my story.

For Casey,
who, despite my oddities, continues to have conversations with me.

About Me

My “About Me” section on Facebook, though not a comprehensive portrait of my self-image, is a straightforward and accurate paragraph generated to satisfy my friends’ curiosity. I copy it here:

“I am as tall as a five-foot, five-inch filing cabinet. My hair is the same color as the binding on the 367 page book titled, "North American Horticulture" located in the reference department of ZSR. My eyes are that color too. I have the same number of teeth that a person with the standard amount of teeth is said to have, and the same goes for appendages. In a lab setting, I am confident that researchers would find that I blink approximately 10 times per minute, which means that, per minute, I blink 10 times more than a shark would.”

Athletics

Through my experience as a varsity athlete at Wake Forest, I feel like it is safe to say that we get special treatment. We have the privilege of attending any kind of party at our discretion, we get free laundry service, and we can print pages and make copies for no charge in the Miller Center. Not only that, but we are also free from the shame and humiliation of being a “geed” (or “GDI”) just because we are not an active part of Greek life – because, as it is written in the Wake Forest social code, athletes cannot be geeds.
Yes, but don’t think that the life of an athlete is all parties and free things. We are subject to at least 8 hours each week of hard work. And by hard work, I don’t mean practice. I mean study hall.

Ok, practice is hard work too. And it’s usually over 15 hours a week – not 8. Every day as I walk back from my last class, I watch as my peers go back to their dorms to take a nap or grab their blankets to sit on the quad with friends. I go back to my dorm to change into spandex shorts and running shoes, rush to make it to the track on time, and await my impending death.
And then I die.

I would still say it’s worth it.

Bizarre things I have witnessed on campus

A cat wearing a leash, scampering across the Mag Quad, alone

The student artwork in Reynolda Hall. – Yes. Every. Single. Painting.

Someone on one of the top branches of a magnolia tree, taking pictures of people

Girl walking to Collins from Babcock at 8am on a Thursday wearing bright green leggings, a cut-off sweatshirt, and a princess crown. No shoes
.
Someone asking a fellow student for a picture and his autograph

A poster advertising a lost komodo dragon

Commercials

Every time I watch a commercial – which has decreased considerably since coming to college – I tell myself that I could have thought of something just as funny, or funnier. I feel like that should be my job: sitting at a conference table littered with white papers and empty coffee cups, bantering with my colleagues about who would make a better spokesperson for our company, an anthromorphotic cougar or Harry Connick Jr.

DKE

The Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity house is where morals and responsibility go to die. I feel like every outrageous or embarrassing moment that my friends and I have remembered (or not remembered) at Wake Forest University has happened in that basement. Venturing further into this topic may compromise my perceived integrity, so that is all I will say.

End, The

Oh… never mind.

Fine

“Hi, how are you?”
“Fine, thanks! How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, thank you.”

Why is everyone always “fine”? Can they not respond with “swell” or “illustrious” if they really do feel that way? Or, on the other hand, “inglorious” or “neglected”? Perhaps a longer response would give the questioner the actual answer, “Well, my toaster oven blew up a few hours ago, and then I had to go to the hospital for severe burns, so my day hasn’t been the best, but thank you for asking.”
Truthfully, now that I have thought about it, “fine” is fine by me. It’s easier that way.

Ironic

As tactless as this may sound, I smiled to myself after reading an e-mail stating that there was a memorial service to be held for the recently deceased director of the Reynolds Gerontology Program.

Now you think that I am a horrible human being; I wouldn’t disagree.

Joke

My favorite joke:

“Two penguins were in the shower together and one drops the soap. So one of the penguins says, ‘Hey, could you pick up that soap?’ and the other penguin says, ‘No! What do you think I am - a typewriter?’”                          …Get it?
If someone actually laughs, I have full permission to ridicule them for conforming to my false idea of “funny”. I also feel sorry for them. That joke makes no sense for a reason.

Maria

Maria is the housekeeper for the 3rd floor in Collins. She has two children – both teenagers. I met her daughter at the basketball game the other day and they look exactly alike. Her son is a little younger. For Christmas, my entire hall gave her a Visa gift card, and she decorated our lounge with “Welcome Home!” balloons when we came back from break; I did feel like I was home. On Valentine’s Day, she put a white doily in the shape of a heart on my door with my full name on it. One day, my roommate was cleaning our fish tank, and our 7-inch Red-Bellied Pacu jumped out. We were too scared to touch him as he was flopping on the floor, but she heard our screams and saved his life. She helps me with my Spanish, and greets me in the morning with, “Wake up sleepy girl!” Maria brightens my day. I’ll miss her next year.

Monogramming

My roommate has monogrammed towels, pillows, pajamas, bracelets, purses, sweaters, stationary paper, and unspecified hanging objects.
My name is on a Gatorade water bottle – in black sharpie.

Package

I have no shame in admitting that I begged my mom (who works less than 2 miles away from campus) to mail me a care package because, since all of my friends had received packages, I felt neglected. She laughingly obliged, and a week later, I ran to the post office to check my mail. Signing the paper and grabbing my prize, I walked back to my dorm with the package in my hands, exhilarated. I walked proudly down the sidewalk, meeting everyone’s gaze as if to say, “Yep, this mysterious box is mine. Are you jealous?”

Post Secret

My favorite secret that I have ever seen says, “When I finish a good book, I eat the last page”

I did.

Punch

Who: The general population of Wake Forest
What: A drink, usually red, blue, or green in color. Contains alcohol. Contains bacteria.
When: Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays… Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Sundays
Where: Inside a filthy cooler, in the corner of a fraternity party, surrounded by girls
Why: It is so damn tasty.

Ransom Note

Instead of fliers posted around campus, I think it would be more entertaining for ransom notes to be posted.

I have your Deacon Card. Leave $450 in hollow tree.

Times that I am truly happy

When the Pit has warm cookies
When my roommate and I have late night dance sessions
When practice is over
When I am eating chips and salsa
When I have someone to cuddle with
When I wake up on a Sunday and hear fun stories about the night before
When I get e-mails that were meant for someone else
When I skip class just to walk around campus on a sunny day
When I get good grades on things that I work hard on
When the ladies at Subway smile back at me

Tour Groups

I walked past a tour group in front of Johnson today and overheard the guide saying, “Well, it’s not like everyone else on campus is an alcoholic…”

Tunnels

If I graduate from Wake Forest without ever seeing the tunnels, I will not consider myself an actual alumnus.

Unconscious Thinking

I do my best thinking during class. For instance, I was in my history class the other day, staring at a United States map and wondering what people’s lives are like in other states, when thirty seconds later, I realized that I was questioning the origin of polyester. Finding this absurd, I retraced my thoughts.

{Nebraska}
{Café in Nebraska with friend}
{Small town culture}
{Yoga classes with fellow soccer moms}
{Yoga outfits}
{What yoga outfits are made of}
{Possibly polyester? No, I doubt it.}
{Wait. What exactly is polyester?}
{I don’t know. I only wear organic cotton.}
{That is a lie, you pretentious fool. I bet you’re wearing polyester right now.}
{Ok, perhaps you’re right. The only way to really find out is to check my tags, but I’m sitting in
class and that’s inappropriate public behavior.}

Waffle

A waffle is a tasty breakfast item and a fun word to say. Fluffy waffle is even more fun to say.
Find the fluffy waffles at the Pit.

Wrap-up

**I wasn’t able to write this under the title “End, The” (as I had planned) because that would have just been confusing due to the encyclopedic format.**

I hope you enjoyed reading my original account of life as a Wake Forest student. It is unfortunate that this encyclopedia is condensed due to page restrictions imposed by an unnamed professor’s fear of boredom, yet I believe I already went over the limit as it stands. Do you find me rebellious?

Joking aside, this encyclopedia exists to illustrate that interpersonal communication is present in virtually every aspect of our being. Every day, we apply perception, stereotypes, expectancies, and the rest of those pedantic terms used in class, to make our lives more… awkward.

Yet fascinating!